radical self-care.

The Universe has been so nicely presenting at my feet opportunity after opportunity to manifest my whispered word for 2012: self-care. (I also toyed with "self-love" and "ease," but this one resonates the most.)

Self-care. Two years ago I didn't know it. As in, didn't know it existed. Had never heard of it. Wouldn't have known what it meant if it was pressed right into my face. (Which, I'm sure, it was. Multiple times.)

And here I am in 2012, thinking it necessary to really improve upon my own self-care and self-love, and little do I know that the Universe means business. You know that saying, "Be careful what you wish for?" I'm learning that meaning, now. Only I'm still truly dedicated to what I've wished for and am learning its medicine and taking its lessons in stride, with love.

I am learning to love myself.

A year and a half ago I turned down two very prestigious offers to attend graduate school and get my Master's degree in Social Work. Healing the world had been my vision since I was a little girl, didn't you know. I wanted to take care of people and fix things and what I hadn't realized all along was -- what I really wanted was to heal myself. And somewhere in there I got lost and thought that the way to mend and fill this hole was to offer myself to others, to the point of spending thousands of dollars and dedicating my entire life to a profession that could, ideally, do this. A year and a half ago I had the sudden burst of clarity (or perhaps it was really a long build-up waiting to happen) to stop. To sit. To put myself first.

I remember whispering out loud for the first time ever, to anyone, to my spiritual mentor, "Um, I know this sounds bad, and really mean, but . . . . I don't want to help people anymore."

And it was like this ginormous weight was lifted off my shoulders and suddenly my whole world opened up and I could breathe and I began on this path of self-care and acceptance and realized along the way that this, this was how I was going to start healing and changing the world. Within myself.


Every day is a new lesson and practice in this art of self-love. My decision today? To call out of work. Stay home. Sleep in a tiny bit, move slowly, nurse this persistent cold, spend time with my sister before she drives back to DC, give myself space. Catch up on some laundry and writing and then, breathe. And acknowledge the bits of guilt and fear that pop up and then -- focus on what I'm doing for myself and appreciate my own courage and commitment.

For I am committed to saving my own life.

checking in.

Another blog silence, another heaping pile of changes taking place.

I've got a very broken computer.
And a very demanding puppy.
And a very scattered life, at the moment.

Bear with me while I work on finding balance, stability, and establishing a bit more self-care amidst this hectic time. (And while I learn to believe that giving myself time for a blogging break is self-care.)

I'm looking forward to being back in this space soon, with lots of big ideas for the future :)

Hoping all my readers are doing well too, yes?

slow sunday.

Today I'm

moving slowly,

drinking tea by the mugful (or Starbucks-cup-ful),

trying to stay warm,

taking deep breaths,

writing letters to myself,

and listening to the winds howling their changes outside.


Today, I really need to give myself care.

dreaming day + my 2012 workbook

This weekend I was feeling pulled in a million different directions. Between taking care of the dog (who's proving to be more of a handful than I thought), catching up on laundry and cleaning, getting some freelance work done, just sitting and relaxing for a minute, and finally getting around to grocery shopping, my to-do list seemed never ending.

So on Saturday night, I declared Sunday would be my Dreaming Day. A day, or an afternoon, or at least an hour, when I could clear my schedule, put the dog in her crate, and spread out at the table with books, hot coffee, notebooks, candles, and soft music. And let the dreams come.

I wandered through Pinterest and added to my vision board. I read inspiring blogs. I journalled. And I worked on my 2012 Creating My Goddess Year workbook.



As I've delved deeper and deeper into this workbook, I've fallen more and more in love with it. Returning to its pages feels familiar and comforting. I think I'm only halfway through, and I've already gotten so much from it. There's a space reserved for listing your 100 Things To Do In 2012, which totally freaked me out. But you know what? I thought of 102 things. I wrote silly things, like make more eye contact and wear hats, but I also thought up big things like move into my own space and take a road trip to a National Park. At first I worried that I'd just end up feeling guilty and regretful if I got to the end of the year and hadn't completed all these things, but I constantly feel so excited about them I just can't wait to do them. And if they don't happen -- so be it. Just thinking them up and believing them to be possible is pretty miraculous for me, I think.



It's a lot of pages. Some I printed out in black and white, to save ink. Some I colored in myself. I used purple pens, gel pens, black pens, markers, pencils, whatever I wanted. I ended up stapling the pages into an empty composition notebook, and it works perfectly for me. My To-Do Book (to make all those dreams and goals come true, also known as "My Book of Magnificent Possibilities") is an old book I covered with a pretty photo from Pinterest. As I work through these, I often feel like I'm 7 years old again -- I forget how much I love to be crafty and creative.



I haven't even gotten to the calendar pages yet, but I can't wait to see what I do with them.

If you're feeling interested, you can still purchase them. (We're still only one month into 2012!) And the best part? They're only $10. Well worth the money, I'm sure of it.

(And of course they come free with a Goddess Circle membership, which is how I got mine. I still claim it's the best $99 I've ever spent. Probably the only thing I'm happy to shell out that much money for.)


2012 feels big and transformational to me, you know?

I feel it.

i just love full moons.

(I rushed outside before I could remember to use my new tripod, but it just felt right to stand there in that moment, snapping blurrily. These are what I happily got.)

Happy full moon, world.

maebel's first woods walk.

What with the 60-degree weather yesterday (and the first day of February!) and an afternoon off, I decided to take Maebel on her first walk on a leash, through the woods. Sieta, our long-term dog-sitting Sheltie, came along.

There was a lot of this:




And this:




And this:



Needless to say, forty minutes later, we hadn't gotten far.

Sigh. We'll get used to leashes and new smells, someday.

PS
This is what our magical woods are starting to look like, but much worse and more widespread. I know plenty of people cut down plenty of trees for plenty of reasons, but this time it's just making me sad. The whole landscape out there is changing. (And we can now see through the trees to the greenhouses down the street.)

this just blew my mind.

This is just incredible. I had to share.

That's all :)