Jen Lemen once wrote:
"This mess of your life is your life."
And I remember feeling bowled over backwards, like I had been smacked in the face, only really I felt like I was falling uncontrollably forwards, towards something good, something healing.
Like I was diving into something true.
Like I was diving into something true.
On days like today, when everything seems off-kilter and backwards and unbalanced and wrong and just plain messy, when I just want to go back to bed and do it all over and try, try so hard, for something to give and a lightbulb to go off in my head while I think, "Oh yes! That's it! That's what I needed to make this day right!" these kinds of days make me feel like my life is just a jumbled mess and forGod'ssake, get with it, Ruth.
And yet, this jumbled mess of my life is my life. This is it. In between the waking up late and the tired aching body and the irritating coworkers and the salad for lunch that went soggy and the wishinghopingpraying for a more satisfying kind of job and the growing list of tasks I keep stored in my brain as I drive and the snowball of guilt and regret that tumbles behind me on a regular basis and oh yes! the ever-present sadness of the death of my sweet, soul-companion kitty just days ago --
this is where it's happening.
And so I let it all in. It was around 11:00 this morning, and I decided to just give in. I didn't wallow, and I didn't self-pity, I just accepted it. I fell into it.
Yes, today life sucks. I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by it and just don't have the energy and support to pull myself up out of this hole. So I may as well sit and take a breather, while I'm here.
This acknowledgement, this owning of it, helps.
This mess of my life is my life.
But I'm coming to believe that it's in these messes where the real good stuff happens.
And yet, this jumbled mess of my life is my life. This is it. In between the waking up late and the tired aching body and the irritating coworkers and the salad for lunch that went soggy and the wishinghopingpraying for a more satisfying kind of job and the growing list of tasks I keep stored in my brain as I drive and the snowball of guilt and regret that tumbles behind me on a regular basis and oh yes! the ever-present sadness of the death of my sweet, soul-companion kitty just days ago --
this is where it's happening.
And so I let it all in. It was around 11:00 this morning, and I decided to just give in. I didn't wallow, and I didn't self-pity, I just accepted it. I fell into it.
Yes, today life sucks. I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by it and just don't have the energy and support to pull myself up out of this hole. So I may as well sit and take a breather, while I'm here.
This acknowledgement, this owning of it, helps.
This mess of my life is my life.
But I'm coming to believe that it's in these messes where the real good stuff happens.
I love this, Ruth! Such a great quote and what a way to just fall into it and accept it as you did today! Here's to tomorrow being a little brighter, but also embracing "this mess of my life is my life!"
ReplyDeleteLiesl :)
Ruth, i truly felt and feel your words.
ReplyDeletereading your words makes me feel less, less... isolated?
these days i'm going from feeling content and empowered to terrified and overwhelmed in the span of an hour... i'm starting to think i'm crazy or bipolar :)
i hope you find a small grain of solace knowing that across the continent i'm feeling exactly what you are.
(and i'm so sorry about Stella, sending lots of love.)
That is a great quote~ another similar one I heard that rang true with me was:
ReplyDelete"If you can't get out of it, get into it."
I believe it was written in "The Happiness Project" which is a wonderful read and I highly recommend it, especially if you are feeling down or even just in a rut.
Enjoy the ride :)
Liesl -- thank you! Today's looking brighter already :)
ReplyDeleteCarmella -- ohmygosh, you just know me so well. I DO find solace in knowing you're states away feeling similar. And thank you for your words about Stella, the love I've received has been out of this world!
Caitlin -- love that! I sometimes read Gretchen Rubin's blog, but I've never read The Happiness Project, yet. Thanks for the inspiration!
I can't help but feel like somewhat of a mess-maker at the moment, a little directionless, and this quote made things seem a little better.
ReplyDelete