a grateful birthday.

So. Here it is. Teetering at the edge of twenty-four years, my life. Almost a quarter of a century! Tomorrow, I will have been on this Earth for a complete twenty-four years. And will be about to swoop into my twenty-fifth year.

This feels huge to me.

Transformative.

Revolutionary.

Of course, this is still only my second birthday since I decided to take them back. To reinvent them. To devise a totally new definition for its term and meaning.

Of course.

Of course this is huge. It is huge.

A birthday contemplated for weeks (months, even). Meticulously planned. Cautiously organized. To use my best truth and judgment to masterfully create a day celebrating my birth into a new year.

This is huge.

Last year, I was shocked to realize I didn't have to be vulnerable to other peoples' whims. To be subject to their moods or words or wallets. Why yes, I thought. I don't even need to be around anyone at all. And so I did just that. I took myself away for the day, without work or cell services or greetings of birthday wishes, away across the state to a cozy little Ayurvedic spa where I pampered myself silly.

Alone.

Gloriously alone.

Did you know some people celebrate their birthdays alone every year? I hadn't.

Yet I did just that. I made no plans for a party or seeing friends. I went home that evening and had dinner with my parents and that was that.

It was utterly satisfying.

This year, I've thought long and hard about how I'd like to celebrate.

And when I really tuned in and listened, I heard a tiny little voice wanting friends at this birthday. A select few, hand-picked people.

It started with a small list in my journal, meticulously deciding who I wanted to invite in to this day.

It grew to sixteen people.

And most of them are able to come. What a shift. Not only from last year, but in my life.

So my birthday night will find me settled into a cozy mill-turned-restaurant, listening to live music and toasting with friends on my sides.



And yet I'd like to be alone on this birthday, too.

Alone, yes.

On Saturday I'll shut off my phone and drive up the coast, with no destination. With nothing but a loaded iPod and a tank full of gas and a map, perhaps.

To give myself space for celebrating and breathing and looking back and looking ahead. For applauding myself and giving myself a birthday present.

I used to make lists on my birthday of all I wanted to do in the coming year. But now, gratitude feels extra important. I'd much rather realize all I've done in my 24th year, since I turned 23.

Once I did this, and made a list in my journal of all I could think of, I was astounded. Just look.

In the past year, I have:

: quit a job that didn't serve me the night before my last birthday
: opened an Etsy shop
: asked for an early raise, and got it
: found a new job in a creative field, closer to what I'd like to be doing full-time
: discovered GoddessGuidebook.com, and let it transform me
: joined an online women's circle
: started meditating
: joined Twitter
: let my sweet cat go
: totally reinvented my lunch hours
: realized I feel most like myself with long hair and let it grow
: started truly journalling
: did a raw food cleanse
: took back my birthdays

Leaps and bounds! If you had shown 20-year-old-Ruth this list, even 23-year-old-Ruth, she would have scoffed at it. Wouldn't have believed it.

This life is a beautiful thing.