guest post : carmella from a tree called life

In another installment of this Feather Spirit welcome party/brigade that I feel so grateful for, today's guest post comes from my dear friend Carmella. We met a couple of years ago through blogging, and I'm always so happy when I think back on how well we've gotten to know each other online. I'm so thankful for her :)

Welcome, Carmella!

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photo via rebeca cygnus

I'm so excited and grateful to be included in the beginnings Feather Spirit!   I'm constantly amazed at how blogs can lead to the discovery of such inspiring people and new friends.  When Ruth asked me if I'd like to contribute a post to her blog relaunch I thought immediately, YES!  On a personal level, the timing for a relaunch couldn't have been more perfect.  

These past few months, I've been focusing much energy into letting go of all the things, physical and mental, that no longer serve me. Taking time to grow, deliberately, into my true self and creating around me things that speak closely to who I want to be.  Already, 2012 has been a whirlwind of a year.  It was my greatest intention in 2011 to make big changes and learn to let go.  Let Go- this has become my mantra.  This lesson began from a dream that I had of one my greatest teachers, Ram Dass.  In this dream I asked him desperately, "What do I do? I have no idea what I'm doing, just please tell me what to do!"  He looked at me with a comical smile and waved his hand in front of my face and said simply, "Just let it go."  The profundity of his words rattle me more in my life now then they did at the time I had the dream.  

Sometime this past September I made the decision that I needed a change- my soul needed a change.  I had been living in Los Angeles for about six and a half years, I felt confused, stuck, paralyzed, I felt uninspired and always three steps behind the life I saw myself living.  I finally threw my hands up and, without really thinking about it, made the decision to leave L.A.  I let go of my material possessions and the comfort of my own place.  My lease was up, I quit my job, I moved in with my mother and planned my trip to India.  I had always wanted to go to India so why not now?  I quickly attached myself, full force, to this plan.  With everything thing that I let go of in L.A., I bound myself tenfold to my ventures through India.  I wasn't just visiting, I was essentially moving.  After all, I didn't have things or a job to come back to, I'd go and let the wind carry me where it would.  Oh, yes, I was planning to be a free spirited gyspy, 2012 would be great!  

and so I moved to Austin.

India and all the efforts I put in to get there, became a monumental struggle.  I kept paddling upstream, upstream.  Plans would fall apart and nothing seemed to work out.  But surely, I was supposed to go there, my plan was to be there.  I kept pushing.  One night I had a long phone call with a dear friend who had just moved to Austin, "You should come visit and take a breath from India and maybe you'll be refreshed once you've taken your mind off it."  This sounded like a good idea.  I needed to breathe.  

Slowly in the next few days I realized something- that I had had this knowing deep somewhere in my gut, that I'd be moving to Austin.  I had tinkered with the idea a bit before, but blew off Texas when I thought of India!  However, something was different now.  Her invitation was exactly what I needed and I knew that I was going to find a place to live.  It took me no effort at all to find a home, I fell in love with the first and only place I saw and signed a lease the same day.  It seemed as soon as I had let go of the idea that I had to go to India, as soon as I let go of my planning the year- everything fell into place, everything in Austin was effortless.  I was to move in on my birthday.

It seems that as soon as we let go of preconceived ideas of what our futures should look like, life is less of a struggle.  When you learn to root yourself in the now, in the process of the creation of your life, things always flow easily.  

Letting go of the outcome, however, is not always an easy task.  

I've been in Austin almost three months now and the ups and downs have been plentiful.  Almost as soon as grace got me here I went into 'must plan out my year in austin' mode.  I started setting up idealistic situations and creating all sorts of stress and worry over these stories that needed to play out for my happiness.  I started planning out what needed to be manifested.  In short, I had major anxiety attacks and woke up in the night with intense episodes of vertigo.   What happened?? 

The thing is... I'm learning.

I'm learning to let go.  

There are instances, like when I found my home here, that I am completely free.  I let go of my struggle against life, I let go of plans and things are effortless.  Amazing and unexplainable things happen, actually.  Then, there are days when I wake up a complete mess not knowing what to do or how things will come together and I completely lose my mind!  

I'm learning.

So in one of my moments of panic, I wrote two lists to bring me back to center;

A list of all the things that I wanted to let go of and a list of things that I needed to hang on to.

I keep these nearby and turn to them a lot when I feel those fickle hands of anxiety coming to grab me.

To-Let Go

-tomorrow

-attachments to outcomes

-people pleasing

-self-criticism

-anxiety

-plans

-control.

To-Hang On

-now

-self-compassion

-self-kindess

-breath

-excitement

-self-forgiveness

-spontaneity 

-love.

So I say to you, just let it go.

Let go of the oars and trust the stream to carry you.  It will always take you where you need to be.