"Turning toward a large wave in the ocean is the best defense. Diving into the huge wave can save you." --Sark
"I'm no longer afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my own ship." --Louisa May Alcott
I've been searching for little moments of clarity in my life. Any ray of sunlight cracking through the blinds, a spot of green thrusting through the pavement, the tiniest stream of water trickling. All of these suffice. I welcome them with congratulatory arms and a wide smile, an inner patting-myself-on-the-back. Acknowledging moments of clarity is like praising a child for something seemingly small and arbitrary, like peeing on the toilet. Except they're not.
I realized that I wanted growing things surrounding me in my bedroom. I bought houseplants and pretty pots.
I realized that I wanted to pick raspberries from the bushes in the backyard. I brought a bowl and a book with me and lounged in a lawn chair afterwards.
I wanted clean sheets. I changed them, washed them, and put them back on.
I wanted green tea. I ordered it.
I felt drawn to read Rumi, to soak up his every word. I purchased The Essential Rumi, on Amazon, used.
These little cracks of sunlight and buds of green and droplets of water are not just that. For soon the blinds will be thrown open and the plants will overtake the streets and the floodgates will break. These moments of clarity will let in a million moments of clarity, and my layers and layers of clothing will be pulled by the threads, little by little, until they can be torn off and I'll be able to see my soul, pure and bare.
I just made a pretty sizeable rip. A whole ray of sunlight burst in, for I was able to witness the part of my soul that was whispering to me, yes! yes! you know what you want! And I realized: I don't want to go to grad school. My life right now is not about more schooling and social justice issues and confines and flat-broke-ness. I need to explore myself. My soul needs to breathe. I saw that my soul wasn't coaxing, or coercing, or shouting these things to me, either. It was just talking, plain as day.
Before it was starving, but now I'm offering it these little crumbs, as I listen to its words, and slowly, it's gaining stength. I'm gaining strength.
I'm pulling up my blinds, very slowly.
Good for you, love. Listen to yourself, you know best for you!
ReplyDeletethat alcott quote is one of my absolute favorites.
ReplyDeleteand i must say--i am proud of you.
proud of you for recognizing what you want. and going after those very things.
after nursing school i felt a lot of pressure to further my education even more--- go to medschool, be a CRNA, get my masters, etc.
and i thought it was probably the right thing to do.
but i didn't.
because i loved my life more than i loved my job.
and i was thankful for work i enjoyed that gave me the freedom to explore all the other parts of myself.
and here i am. a dreamer. a traveler. this crazy lover of life.
i'm happy to see i'm not alone :)
well I am so happy for you. You are inspirng us all to do the same!
ReplyDeleteHurrah! This makes me so happy!
ReplyDeleteAnd if I may butt in, here's what I think concerning education: sometimes, it's totally the only way to go. Years and years and decades of learning are definitely a must for things like doctors or rocket scientists. I wouldn't trust one otherwise.
However, there aren't many professions that, in my opinion, NEED tons of schooling. Let's backtrack. My mother is an academic. She has 2 bachelors, 3 masters, and a phD, mostly all comparative education related. And she's a professor. Ok, so she's always drilled my siblings and me as to getting a higher education, ever since we were really little, right? We HAD to go to college straight after highschool, no question. Luckily we all wanted to, anyway, so that wasn't a problem. However, she also wants all of us to get a masters.
Now here's the thing. Since I gravitated towards the arts, I tend to think less like her. Firstly, it's come to my attention only recently that I probably would have been much, much better off starting college perhaps a year or two AFTER highschool. Work first, gain a bit of maturity. Also, after I did graduate, I didn't go straight into my masters. I hung out for 2 years in Denver, working mostly part time at a Crate&Barrel (doing a little bit of freelance design), and made a ton of friends. And personally, I think that time after college was far more invaluable to me than my actual education. I met artists and musicians and fashion designers and philosophers and all sorts of people. We collaborated and discussed, we made and we created. It was a grand time. When I returned to Chicago, my mother tried nudging me into returning to school, especially since I'm so much in a *what should I do next* sort of phase. And I have decided: No. Maybe one day, after I have finally chosen my dream career, I'll get a masters concerning a specialty niche of that dream career. But there is no way I'm getting a masters right now, considering I'm not 100% clear with what I want. I wish the same would have happened with my bachelors (waiting a year or two, that is) because I'm sure I would have gone into a different field. It's a constant battle between her and me, but I'm of the mindset that you don't actually need extensive schooling to be an intellectual - I personal think experience is more important.
Whew! So I don't know if that even relates at all to what you're going through, but I thought I'd share :)
Ohmygod, I just wrote a novel of a comment and clicked *post* and they brought me to a page saying it was too large. And so I clicked back, and it ALL disappeared! AUGH. So maybe, if I get my energy back, I'll try again... But in the meanwhile, a quick summary: Extremely happy for you, and education isn't always the answer.
ReplyDeleteOh YAY, it did post! I was going to say, what, my palsey comment wasn't much, but now I see that it worked!
ReplyDeleteAnd now that I reread my comment, I just want to clarify that I most definitely think education is important, of course. But education's also a sort of politics; I approach the subject gently...
ReplyDeleteThis is inspiring, good for you! You're definitely right in the thick of figuring things out lately.
ReplyDeleteMy soul is probably trying to tell me what to do but my mind won't shut up long enough for it to get a word in edgewise.
I love this! I have most definitely been there... but it's when you start acknowledging what you need and addressing it that you begin to grow up. Eh?
ReplyDelete