Revealed

Let's have it out.

As you may know, I've been looking into AmeriCorps for awhile now. It's been what I've wanted to do since high school, pretty much. Yes, I'd be making no money, and yes, it's a year of "volunteer" service, but it's what I want to do. It's really what I want to do.

Well, this afternoon, I accepted an AmeriCorps position. A good AmeriCorps position--an afterschool program coordinator in one of Hartford's public schools through an organization called Hands On Hartford. They have strong ties to Haiti, too--we actually did a lot of work with this particular church when I went to Haiti in 2007, and I just realized it was the same one. So it's nothing to sneeze at, this Hartford position.

But I also turned down a program in New York City. YEAH, New York City. My dream. I think this was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life. There were tears. I predicted that though. I knew that whatever I decided would still be really difficult. I know, this is only for one year of my life and I've got the rest of it ahead of me, but this is the first thing I'm doing after graduation. I feel like it's the ultimate decision that's going to affect all other decisions to come (silly, I know). It's difficult, though, to decide what to do with your life.

In the end, New York just wasn't realistic. I'd be getting even less money than the Hartford position, and that's saying something since I'd already be getting next to nothing (imagine: living on $200 a month in New York City. Not possible).

Not to mention, I would have had to be packed up and driven to Staten Island for orientation this Sunday. As in, five and a half days from now. And I only just found out that I was accepted last night. I don't know if I could have been mentally prepared for that. I definitely would not have been mentally prepared for that. I would have been a wreck.

So, that's what I'm left with. I'm actually a little excited, because now I can go on my family reunion vacation to the Outer Banks of North Carolina that I would have missed. I'll be making a little money, that I can save, plus a few other financial benefits that made it worthwhile. In the end, they were both afterschool programs, they were just in completely different cities.

I think the hardest part is facing that I'm going to have to live at home for the next year--while my friends are going off to new lives with boyfriends and new lives in grad school and new lives in their own apartments. I won't have much at home for me. I'll be having family dinners and entertaining Mary and babysitting on the weekends. I'm trying to tell myself that it won't be so bad. I know tons of people live at home after graduation, but I just really didn't want to. My little town in Connecticut is probably one of the most boring places to live. I don't know how people choose to live here permanently.

Maybe this will be a year to save a little and get experience and make connections and go off somewhere fascinating afterwards.

I'm really trying to believe that right now. Even though it's insanely difficult. And I don't really believe it just yet.



(Photo via phantomwise)