this is hard work

I'm currently working on the idea of home being a place within my soul,

rather than a physical place with people and expectations and requirements and feelings.

It's slow going.

What have you been working on lately?

quite possibly my favorite moment from the long weekend

Driving around town with my two sisters, ages twenty-four and ten, doing errands for our mother's birthday party the next day.

Getting hungry and slightly tired, irritation and annoyances kicked in.

In a burst of inspiration, I did my best to explain my theory of creating a "love symbol" in your mind, a thing or a place or a moment or a person that resembles love to you. Then attaching that symbol where love is needed--to someone who's annoying you, to a feeling of anger towards something, to yourself and any of your own self-destructive thoughts (usually where mine's needed). I explained the importance of spreading positive energy to come back to us through time, instead of ill will and negativity.

"You mean, like a cat? I love cats," Mary offered.

I assured her the thought of a cat was perfect. It symbolized her ridiculously sweet adoration of all things feline, and her own cat's love for her, too. Ten year olds can't get much sweeter, really.

A few minutes later, an over-zealous driver struggled to take turns merging, causing us to put on the brakes and slow down to let him in and avoid a crash. Rachel let out a frustrated sigh, voicing her irritation at inconsiderate drivers.

Not a second later, we heard giggling coming from the backseat. When we asked Mary what was so funny, she responded, pointing at the car in front of us, "Look! There's a cat sitting on the roof of that man's car!"

It took a second for us to realize that she was, in fact, attaching her love symbol, literally.

Addendum: I got this in an email from Rachel this morning.

Also, yesterday when we were getting ready for the party, I was getting frustrated about something but trying to stay positive, and Mary called out from her room, where she was cleaning, "LOVE SYMBOL!!!!"

I just love sisters.

a dry erase marker and a mirror

In college, during my senior year, my roommates and I moved into an apartment. We spoiled ourselves silly, those two semesters. Maybe we didn't buy food as often as is deemed healthy and appropriate, and maybe we didn't participate in expensive campus goings-on at the time, and maybe we stayed within a 10-mile radius of campus so as not to waste gas, but boy, did we have it made in that apartment.

We each had our own bedrooms, with these big-sliding-mirrored-closet-doors that were just fantastic. Now that I'm living at home again and I have to run into my sister's now-vacant bedroom every time I want to look into a full-length mirror, I'm pining for those mirrored doors.

Early that year, Stephanie had taken to doodling and writing little notes to us with markers on our mirrors to read when we'd wake up in the morning. She always made me smile with her notes. She'd written on her own closet mirror, too, decorating it and writing little notes to herself, even.

This girl is wise beyond her years.

One day I walked into her room to find a little reminder to herself scrawled on her mirror-door, right next to her bed.

You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves to be loved, it read.

At first I giggled. Of course you are. We all are.

But then I thought about it. Do we all know that? Really know that? Maybe that's why I was giggling--because I didn't truly believe it.

Stephanie's little love note to herself stuck with me. Every time I entered her room, I read it. Sometimes it would just pop into my head without me realizing it. I had it memorized. It became like a pattern in my brain.

At home now, I have it written on my mirror above my dresser. It says I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves to be loved.

I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves to be loved.

I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves to be loved.

I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves to be loved.

It's on my desktop notepad on my computer screen too, and scribbled here and there throughout my planner. It comes as second nature now.

A few weeks ago, my aunt and little cousin were over for dinner. Later that night, I walked into my room to find eight-year-old Katie standing in front of my dresser, staring at the mirror. "I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves to be loved? What's that?"

But she wasn't giggling. She was intrigued. Her expression was completely serious. She really wanted to know why it was there and what it meant.

I explained the purpose of affirmations to her and why I liked that particular sentence. I could see her thinking about it, deciding if she thought I was crazy or funny or maybe even smart. She began to read it slowly.

"I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves to be loved. I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves to be loved. I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who deserves to be loved! I AM A STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT WOMAN WHO DESERVES TO BE LOVED!" Her face could hardly contain her wonderment.

Then she ran to tell her mom her revelation. And my heart almost melted.

So, thanks Steph. I'm glad we had that overly-expensive apartment, and those unnecessarily-huge mirrored closet doors, and your wit about yourself to even think of doing something so extraordinary. A dry erase marker, and a mirror. That's all it took.

sunglass-free

sunday's blueberry almond bars, that have naught to do with this post

Sometimes,

when the weather is sunny and I wake up to the sounds of birds chirping and greenhouse trucks rumbling by and I step outside into the chilly air beneath the crab apple trees and hear the steady hum of bumble bees overhead and sneeze and sneeze and sneeze because the sun is so bright,

I just don't want to put on my sunglasses.

They're adorable and from an outdoor flea market and are the best pair I've ever owned and greatly help in driving to work on the highway when the visor doesn't reach to block out the sun and the glare is extraordinary,

but sometimes I'd rather just see the world as it is and take the sun for what it's worth and risk the squinting and worry about wrinkles in my forehead some other time.

a little bit familiar

I used to love Georgia Douglas Johnson's poems and short stories. I haven't the slightest idea why I haven't read her in so long. Her anthology sits at the end of my bed, depressingly dusty.

But coming across this poem, Calling Dreams, served as a tiny reminder (and perhaps a big, huge, God-sent sign?) that I should, indeed, continue to read her work.

The right to make my dreams come true
I ask, nay, I demand of life,
Nor shall fate's deadly contraband
Impede my steps, nor countermand.

Too long my heart against the ground
Has beat the dusty years around,
And now, at length, I rise, I wake!
And stride into the morning break!

Sounds a little bit familiar, to me. This IS a favorite poem of mine, so maybe it was a subconscious effort, but I'd like to think Georgia and I are just on the same wavelength (posthumously, of course).

Dare I say I wish to be back in college, where I'm forced to read such literature? Sigh.

what my monday sounds like

Found via For Me, For You, who hit the nail on the head when she said: I want to listen to it while laying in the dark with my eyes closed, volume all the way up…

Since this is my first day of vacation from work, I've been listening to it all morning, while crocheting up the wazoo and drinking hot mugs of green tea and watching the rain fall (and trying to fight off a sore throat...).

What does your Monday sound like?

sew what?*

Lately, all I've been wanting to do is sew. I wish I just had a big block of time where the earth stood still and my phone wouldn't ring and email wouldn't exist and no one could make a sound. (I suppose I could just turn off my phone, shut my computer, and go somewhere quiet, but I'm dreaming here, okay?)

Perhaps this weekend will have to be a sewing weekend. Besides a little babysitting, I don't have much planned, and that's perfectly fine with me. MH is away in Florida (big sister jealousy kicking in, right here) and my parents won't be around too much, so it just may be the perfect weekend for some peace and quiet. I don't even remember the last time I busted out my sewing machine in full force, except to do a quick mending.

(Although, it feels like tomorrow should be Saturday, but that could be because I'm all messed up about time and today is a half day at school, so I can leave early.)

I'm hitting up the clearance section at my local fabric store like nobody's business and even bringing my coupon. They better watch out.

Because I want to make every single one of these things:

1. OliveShop, via DrifterandtheGypsy

2. OliveShop, via DrifterandtheGypsy

3. wemetinabar, via ErinEverAfter

4. SherrisBoutique

5. heartoflight

6. SayYestoHoboken

Clearly I'm a little early, but do you have any big plans for this weekend? I'm ridiculously excited for some me-time.

*This is my lame attempt at a joke. When I was little, my Nana would always answer that question with, "Sew buttons!" And I remember thinking it was lame even back then, too.

bring on the rain

Today is dark and rainy and foggy and gray. I still don't feel entirely awake, even though I was up early to get a jump on Starbucks' Free Pastry Day (oh yes). But even though these kinds of days make everyone sleepy and sad and sluggish, I secretly love them.

They inspire me somehow, and make me even more motivated to write or create in some way. I'm kind of a freak, actually--I don't have any desire to live in California or Florida where it's sunny the majority of the year. I need me some good rainy days. (Hence, my extreme desire to get into grad school in the Pacific Northwest.) There's something about a good rainy day that makes me want to go outside and walk in it, to bring an umbrella or put up a hood and just go sit. And dream.

Or maybe go boating on a foggy lake and just listen to the stillness.


Or cozy up in bed and revel in the gray light and listen to the raindrops pelt the house.

But they also make me yearn to walk through fields with a boy,
or play with silly kittens all day long,
or yearn for sunshine and laying around in the morning light. (I'm very fickle, I suppose.)
None of these, however, can I do while I'm at work. Boo. (I promise, pretty soon I'll steer away from these mopey I-hate-work posts...)

On the bright side, look how cute my Gmail is today:

It even gives you little raindrops on the screen. Sometimes I hurry to open my mailbox so I can see what kind weather-interpretation it comes up with that day. It's the little things.....
Tell me: do you enjoy rainy days? Am I the only one?

Photos: HeatherBreanne ,EmilyDoe,Fetie,NataLizzie , Nikolinelr

kindle

While I'm still not sure about the Kindle and how I feel about reading books electronically, this commercial sure caught my eye.

photo shoot

Last weekend, I did a little photo shoot with my friends who recently became engaged. We just dressed them up a bit, grabbed a blanket and a picnic basket and my camera, and wandered out to the pasture and woods to take a few pictures. Aren't they sweet?

sixty degrees in newport

I did it. I finally did it.

I went somewhere, and did something, all on my own.

I don't mean went to the store or saw a movie or took a walk by myself, in case that's what you're thinking. (Who is this girl? Who can't do something on their own? Anyone can do something on their own. Pfft.)

Quite honestly, I was extremely wary of going somewhere by myself. It even gave me anxiety trying to think of where to go and what to do and how long to be gone. I put it off for weeks. This, fortunately, reinforced to me how much I really needed to do it. After all, if I can't feel comfortable spending time with myself, how's anyone else going to?

So, I did it. I decided an overnight would be too much (read: I'd be way too scared), so I settled on a day trip. Rachel recommended I see Newport with its cliffs and mansions and beaches. I did some Googling and made the decision an hour later, probably out of a desire to not worry about it anymore. It was only a couple hours away, seemed relaxing enough, and I'd actually never been.

I'm so glad I went. I sat on the beach (there were even people in the water), walked the cliffwalk, took a yoga class, browsed through thrift stores, and dined alone. I hardly even noticed the time.

And I took way too many pictures, too. I quickly realized that being a solo traveler means no pictures of oneself--therefore, I embraced the soloness and set my camera timer. With people around. It was nice, only worrying about myself.

I have this theory that beaches are even more beautiful in the wintertime. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up near any to see them throughout all the seasons, but it's weird to think they even exist when it's not 80 degrees out and they're not covered with umbrellas and sunbathers and sandy children. It's like a woodsy mountain in the summertime. I think I can just better enjoy them for what they're really worth, somehow.

I left that evening feeling happier than I'd been in a very long time, and I was proud to think that it all came about on my own accord. It's nice to treat yourself every now and then; even necessary, I think. I've always been an introvert and enjoyed my alone time, but I can't wait to do something like this again. If you've ever thought about taking a solo vacation, I say DO IT.

Although, if you have an irrational fear driving over bridges over water like I do, Rhode Island may not be your best choice. Yipes.

you're welcome

You're welcome to show up anytime, Spring. Really, I wouldn't mind. I know I kind of dissed you back in December when the snow was falling softly and jingle bells were in the air and all I could think of was your rainy days and mud and in-between temperatures, but disregard that, really. I was just hopped up on Christmas spirit and wasn't thinking clearly. I'll take your in-between temperatures anytime.

Spring really does feel in the air, doesn't it? Who knows, maybe we're all jinxing ourselves and Easter's going to bring a mighty blizzard and cackling laughter in our faces, but I'd like to hope. The days are getting (ever so slightly) warmer and the daylight's staying longer and I think I even heard a bird chirping this morning.

I can't wait to wear a light jacket, or maybe even no jacket at all. I can't wait to set the clocks ahead and be able to enjoy some sunlight when I get out of work. I want to sit outside on a blanket and read Sandra Cisneros or Virginia Woolf and revel in the breeze. I want to have an Easter egg hunt that doesn't involve hats and coats and boots. I want to go on bike rides again and take walks through the woods without needing to come home and defrost afterwards. And I want to be able to wear the cute capris I bought in November, damnit.

What about the prospect of spring causes you to add the word "damnit" to the ends of your sentences?

super flaxseed boule.

Last night I baked a delicious flaxseed loaf and couldn't wait to share it with you guys. I've made it in the past (and shared a little about it here), and it lived up to its previous success again. It's packed full of flaxseeds and just plain tastes GOOD for you. I first came across this recipe in Vegetarian Times, but adjusted the recipe just a little (the magazine's version also leaves out a step, which confused me at first). I'd highly recommend it!

Super-Flax Whole Wheat Boule

1 cup + 1 T. flaxseeds
2 T. sugar, agave nectar, or honey
0.25 oz. active yeast
3 c. flour
1 1/2 c. whole wheat flour
1 1/2 t. salt

(Or, like me, just use 4 1/2 c. white flour if you don't have whole wheat.)

Place 1/2 cup flaxseeds in a bowl, cover with water, and let soak overnight.

Combine sugar, yeast, and 2 cups warm water in bowl and let sit for 5 minutes.

Grind remaining 1/2 cup + 1 T. flaxseeds in a coffee grinder. Combine in a bowl with flour and salt. Drain soaked seeds and add to flour mixture. Add yeast mixture and stir until a dough forms.

Knead on a floured surface until no longer sticky, adding flour as needed. Roll into a ball and place in a greased bowl, letting rise for 1 hour. Punch down, and let rise for 1 hour more.

Roll into a tight ball and place on a large, greased cookie sheet. Brush with water and sprinkle with flaxseeds and cut a tic-tac-toe crisscross in the top, if desired. Bake at 400 degrees for 45-60 minutes, or until loaf sounds hollow. Let cool, and then slice.

I prefer mine topped with melted cheese and cup of coffee in the morning. Nothing beats it.

Keep a smile on your face!

Life Before Your Eyes

I just found this amazing site from M.Heart.

Can't.

Stop.

Reading.

Sigh.

new year's resolutions, late.

I'm back, and I'm ready to blog.

It's odd--I was visiting Rachel in DC for New Year's, and completely meant to blog my new year's resolutions while I was there, but the days just slipped right through my fingers and before I knew it, I was leaving to go back to Connecticut again. And here it is January 3rd (!), and still no blog update.

Now, armed with a clean room and big glass of red wine, I'm ready to blog.

Did you make new year's resolutions? I used to think they were so silly. So cliche. Sure, yes, I always wish I could lose some weight or not eat as many sweets--why did I need the start of a new year to remind me that I haven't? Not this year, though. I'm sloughing off any residual crap from 2009 and starting a fresh, brand new life. (Okay, so maybe not that much is changing, but at least I have some good ambition, right?) This year, I'm taking these babies seriously. I'm limiting myself to three. Three. No more, no less. That way, I have a better chance of succeeding, don't you think?

Ahem, ahem.

1. I will become fluent in Spanish. That's right, 2010, I will master you. One day (it was Christmas actually, I think), while chatting with family friends who both speak multiple languages, it dawned on me that I have it all at my fingertips, and I'm just not utilizing any of it. My workplace constantly surrounds me with Spanish conversation, and if I really wanted to, I'm sure I could work hard on picking it up.

2. I will continue to go to the gym every day. That's right--I've already been doing this one . . . . . who knew I had self-discipline?? I got a membership about three weeks ago and it's been smooth sailing since!

3. I will focus on being in the present. I want to stop worrying needlessly about the past or the future and instead savor the here-and-now. I'm reminded of a Thoreau quote: "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."

Thank you, Henry, I think I shall start resigning myself.

There you have it, my Three New Year's Resolutions. Of course, I have plenty of other things I hope to conquer and achieve and work towards, but these three are 2010 goals.

Bring it on, brand new decade! I welcome you with excitement and open arms.

how i love this girl.

We met one fateful day at a study abroad info session. We took the MBTI and were the only two INFJs. Little did we know, we also had a lot more in common. SO much more in common. It's like we're long lost sisters (only, we look nothing alike). We are so similar, it's uncanny.

We roomed together once we got to South Africa, and roomed together once we got back home, too, in our own little on-campus apartment. Nothing could stop us.

Except for the fact that I graduated in May, and she didn't. We were roommates no longer. It's quite sad, really. I feel lost without Stephanie. She's finishing up her four years at UConn, and I'm . . . not. We suffer.



That's why drink dates are so necessary. I love our time together, chatting about the perils of living back home (she moved home for her last year) and reminiscing about our escapades studying abroad. We don't see each other nearly enough.

Scorpion bowls, here we come.




(Doesn't sushi always cure what ails you? It does for us.)