ponderings

I feel what I cannot write.

I yearn to express what I cannot say.

I began blogging to hold myself accountable for my life. To keep details in mind, to remember to take pictures, to properly process thoughts and emotions. I'm afraid I'm not very successful at doing so otherwise.

This blog functions as a tool to remind myself that being me is not a bad thing. That it's okay. That feeling my feelings and thinking my thoughts is just as legitimate as anyone else doing the same thing, whether in blog form or otherwise.

It was a good realization, for awhile. Until I became confused about what to share here. This isn't a diary. This isn't a floral-bound book tucked under my mattress for my deepest, darkest secrets to abound. This is a very public journal.

So for months now, questions have swirled through my head, like, Do I remain positive, and positive only? Do I fake happiness until I make happiness? Or do I share negativity and heartache, too? But is it unfair to my readers to whine and complain and share greivances? (After all, I DO have a tag category called "Greivances," and it's quite full, which I often kick myself for.) I always wonder these things. Is it better to blog about happy things, when you're not feeling happy, for the sake of trying to force yourself to feel happy? Or is it better to let it all hang out, and show no discrimination, and blog about ALL the truths of life, in order to be the most truthful?

I know this is a common predicament for bloggers. But I have to remind myself--I started this blog for me. And I plan on writing for me, too. It's just hard to remember, sometimes. And it's hard to articulate, a lot of times.

Which often results in blog absences for periods of time. Which makes me feel like I'm not being honest, with myself or with my readers. I don't want to only post when I'm happy. I want to post all the time. Because if I made this blog to hold myself accountable and help me process my thoughts and emotions, it doesn't really work to only use it at high points of life, does it? I want to look back on this and remember everything, everything I was going through at this point in my life. The very first time I was confused about this, I went two whole weeks without blogging. But back then, I promised myself I wouldn't do it again. I went those two weeks, which happened to be two very tumultuous weeks of my life, without properly processing what was going on.

I hated doing that again.

So I'm vowing to blog for me. To blog about what makes me happy. And to blog about what makes me nervous or sad or anxious or scared, too. Luckily, there are other bloggers out there who help me with these decisions.

I don't feel like I'm being very articulate here and I fear I'm beginning to not make any sense, so I'll stop here. Hopefully this is something you can relate to, too.

Should blogging be this difficult?